Union Squiggity

Union Square is enlightening to walk through. And by enlightening I mean rip-your-hair Bill O’Reilly meets Jim Cramer pissed off and annoyed. Way too many people visit this area for shopping, touristing, eating and drinking and it makes the sidewalks overcrowded with dumb, blind and ignorant pedestrians who stand in the middle of the street, walk slowly in large groups and are impossible to maneuver around. One must just accept that it takes 10 minutes to walk 2 blocks from University to 3rd. Kidding aside (but not kidding, I really do hate walking back and forth on 14th Street), Union Square is a unique congregation of city sub-cultures that are drawn to this area for various reasons. Sure, other squares of the city are equally crowded and frustrating to walk through (Times square, Herald square, Madison Square Garden)…But no other square houses as many NYC stereotypes as the 4 corners that run from 14th to 17th, Union Square East to Union Square West. And since this is where cultures clash, oftentimes there are, well, culture clashes.

1. Of these sub-cultures, the most prominent is, of course, NYU students strolling back and forth on 14th street in a…uh…“foggy haze.” NYC co-eds wear traditional hipster garb -- the females can be spotted in Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen black leggings and the males are awkwardly skinny and wear hats with dark denim jeans. They carry camouflage colored bags with patchwork over the labels and come dangerously close to hitting pedestrians with their skateboard tricks. (Hey kid, you know you can WALK down those stairs right?) These kids are easy to spot because of the look in their eyes -- which oddly enough is not a look of youthful fear and hope -- but a sense of superiority over the other Union Square inhabitants. As if their youthful faces and access to parent’s checking account gives them street cred. God I hope one of them gets mugged.

2. Another subterranean group that dominates the square is rarely spotted anywhere else in the city: protestors. Adults that have an affinity for hemp and megaphones. They are groups of people that still believe in the power of political organization and assemble in the square despite its gentrification (evidenced by Whole Foods across the street). In fact, this group single-handedly gives Union Square its historical significance, character and charm. The park is the start and end point for many political marches and is a frequent gathering point for speeches, rallies and demonstrations. Anti-War? You got it. Increase Minimum Wage? Sure. Nurses Rights? Why not. NYC Pillow Fight Day? Ummm...ok.

3. On the weekend, the square is full of twenty and thirtysomething couples perusing the Greenmarket kiosks, hoping to save the earth by buying locally grown fruits, vegetables, cheese and bread while they simultaneous sip on Starbucks and forget to recycle their NY Post. But the true kiosk spirit is felt at Christmas, when the farmers are kicked to the curb and vendors from failing NYC retail stores take over in endless rows of red booths. These Holiday Market vendors are pushy -- acutely aware they are inferior to the classier Bryant Park kiosks uptown and retaliate by bargaining the crap out of you. You end up walking away with some random “present” you’re convinced is a good stocking stuffer. Merry Xmas honey, I hope you enjoy this bar of soap…its made from hemp.

4. Separate from the Greenmarket/Holiday Market kiosks are the more traditional street vendors, selling knock-off photos of the city and caricature pictures of Britney Spears. These people sell crap, get in my way and I just want to kick the table from under them in the name of artistic revival. However, on occasion I’ll buy from them something I need just to avoid being in a store. (I’ll take the Obama button and $5 pashmina knock-off, but going to have to pass on the 25x5 Air Jordan poster and carrot peeler.)

5. Union Square is not only for the downtrodden and haggard -- bounties of Upper East side families also venture “downtown” to shop at the Babies R Us, Whole Foods and Traders Joe’s, all conveniently located in the square (especially Trader Joe’s, its only other location is…BROOKLYN). They walk around timidly, scared of the locals and usually travel in droves, armed with spouses, friends and children. Since they are not familiar with the square’s regular inhabitants, they stay close to their companions or remain locked on their phones, failing to acknowledge the hundreds of other people trying to shop. Get off your blackberry and pay for your salmon, you’re not that important.

6. Finally, my least favorite group of union square-ians are those groups of guys that walk around, seemingly without a purpose or destination. These interracial groups are made up of 5-7 twenty-somethings who refuse to walk 2-by-2, side-by-side. They linger through slowly and with a swagger as if one arm is heavier than the other. They whistle at women and wear big puffy jackets in the dead of summer. How do they all know each other? What brings them to Union Square? Why are they not with women? Why must they take up the whole sidewalk? I will never know. But really, I just want to know where they are heading so I can avoid passing through their puffy jackets and getting whistled at. And I’d like them to pull up their jeans, it’s not 1998 anymore. Can I get a what-what?