Rain Check

First, let me point out that I do own rainboots (a.k.a. galoshes or weather shoes, but more recently dubbed "Wellies" by the geniuses at JCrew). It took me 4+ years to purchase them and I only gave into this phenomenon after I realized I was single-handedly paying my Asian dry cleaners’ 6th Avenue rent with soaked suits. Forty dollars later I made an investment in my future -- my future which now included brightly colored striped Wellies. However, when I purchased them I sold my soul -- I fell victim to clever marketing that convinced herds of 20something females (myself included) that Barbie pink, polka dots and Matha's Vineyard turtles are perfectly acceptable as footwear. Regardless, my Wellies are fabulous. I can wear them in the rain or snow, I barely slip, my socks never get wet and they don’t kick dirt onto the back of my legs. Wearing them keeps me drier, cleaner and generally saner. Even if I do look like an idiot.

However, I am rarely armed with my Wellies. Ninety percent of the time I suffer in the rain in regular boots, sneakers or UGGs (which are decisively NOT water proof because Australia is 95% desert). This is because I generally do not notice the rain until I am about to exit my building. Now, I have windows in my apartment...as I was getting dressed, WHY do I not notice pellets of water dropping from the sky? Or that it is eerily dark as culumbus clouds form for the sole purpose of ruining my day?! Idk. Instead I find myself standing at my front door, staring into the rain and debating whether to go back up the 4 flights of stairs to my apt, unlock three sets of door locks, dust the accumulation off my Wellies and search for an overpriced umbrella I purchased at the bodega across the street, which is certain to flip inside out with the slightest gust of wind. Since I believe I’m thick-skinned, fighting Mother Nature sounds like more fun (translation: I’m lazy and 4 flights leaves me out of breath).

Sidebar: At one point I owned the all-protecting Hammacher Schlemmer wind-defying compact umbrella. For $30, this piece of equipment warrants full blown rain and wind protection -- it never flips out, breaks or decomposes in your hands after the a spring shower. However, my “expensive” commodity was inevitably lost within a week. The $8 bodega umbrella on the other hand, I've had for 3 months. Irony 1, Kelly 0.

So I march into Mother Nature's wrath; I lean forward and keep my head down against the relentless rain. As I walk through the cement jungle I realize my mortal enemy is not in fact the rain, but the array of other side-walkers who are comfortably equipped with Wellies, Hammacher and Northface. All of a sudden I become invisible to them as they thrash their umbrellas in my face, walk slowly in front of me and kick water onto my clothes. Seriously? Do you not see me trying to remain dry and calm here?

So here are a few of my rules for rainwalking:

1. If you are carrying an umbrella, don’t walk under store awnings. What purpose does that serve? Look up, there is a mini-awning over your head. I hope a big drop of rain rolls off the awning and into your bag.

2. Store awnings should be reserved for umbrella forgetters (like me). The awning provides the only solice against relentless rain and finding haven under one is highly coveted. In fact, jumping between store awning is actually a perfectly timed dance -- one that entails slowly walking past a store for a few seconds then bolting in the rain to the next awning. The run is such a panic and the awning is so dry, you feel like an addict searching for methadone. As a warning to all others: Do not get in the way of the dance. Although in reality, the dance looks more like a game of Frogger. And you know what, I'm losing.

3. What is with those clear-ish umbrellas that look like mini-domes? They seem so constricting. Just looking at them makes me claustrophobic. And why are they always carried by Asians?

4. Carrying obnoxious 18 inch corporate logo umbrella’s is a choice, not a right. My bodega umbrella protects me just as well as your JP Morgan umbrella protects you. However, since you chose a piece of equipment that could protect an army battalion, use it with caution. Always lift it up when someone is passing by (or under) you. If you’re short, hold it to the side. Never close it when other people are around -- you could take out an eye, or take off a head. And never, ever walk slowly while carrying it. There will inevitably be someone (without said protection) trying to maneuver around you but can't figure out whether to squeeze by you on the side, resulting in a wet collision, or to just hurdle over your head.

5. Speaking of obnoxious umbrellas, why are they always carried by men? Do they not realize how effeminate they look? God forbid some water gets on your Brooks Brothers tie.

6. Many streets in New York are covered by scaffolding while a building is constructed overhead. What results from this is a poorly constructed “alternate side-walk” that some civil engineer designed obviously while baked. Even on a gorgeous, sunny, spring day these fake side-walks are impossible to walk through. There is barely enough space for 2 people to walk side-by-side, they are never in a straight line, and the ground is always uneven. To make matters worse, NYTimes tells me they constantly fall (on people). So, my irrational fear of being buried beneath scaffolding does not need to be exacerbated with my rational fear that when it's raining, I will get poked in the eye under one of these things. As such, close your damn umbrella while walking through these side-walks...there just is not enough room for you and your 18 inch Hammacher. There is no need to worry about the rain while walking through these things anyway, you are already covered by the scaffolding. What, do you need double protection? You must be friends with store awning guy.