My Purple Ipizzle

So you know what I saw in the subway yesterday? You'll never believe me. A woman listening to a CD walk man. She also had fake nails and was wearing samba sneakers (the nails and kicks don't really matter here, just funny to mention). I found the walk man very intriguing.

This scratched Sony device was interesting to me for three reasons. 1) I didn't understand how she was listening to her CD while holding it sideways on a subway. I know your shit is skipping. Don't try to fool me. 2) What does she do when the CD will inevitably end during her trip? Restart and listen to it all over again? Weird. 3) She has been so overwhelmed by the use of small music playing devices on the subway that she was forced to wipe the dust off her Sony walk man from 1996 and succumb to one of the most unspoken social pressures the MTA has to offer.

That's right. I said it. All you mp3 listening, homeless person ignoring subway riders. You don't necessarily listen to tunes on your way to work because you are some music connoisseur. You listen because its scary out there without your headphones to protect you. While you're listening you can ignore the randies that are trying to talk to you; you can avoid direct eye contact with any glance that comes your way. In fact, wearing those headphones makes it much more likely that you will COMPLETELY ignore the fact that you are being herded like cattle. I do not exclude myself from this group of people. I love my purple Ipizzle. Yep, I have a pet name for my ipod. You should too. It serves a better purpose in your life than you may realize.

I actually feel bad for those who don't choose to bring their purple Ipizzles. I make up stories in my head about why they don't have their ipods. Oh, "poor guy, "the battery on his ipod definitely died this morning on his way to work". When my batter dies I look around the subway and think...."I have a dead ipod in my bag....I swear! Please don't mind me as I aimlessly watch anything and everything that goes on in this car. If awkward smelly man next to me tries to strike up a conversation I am not afraid to take out my healed shoe from my commuter bag".

That being said, there are somethings to remember while listening.

1) Mind the volume. We don't all like your music. Or, it could completely give off the wrong first impression. One time, I got on the F train going downtown and saw a seemingly 'attractive' forty-something business man with white headphones. After the conductor said "next stop Bryant Park", I focused on the song he was listening to (yes, I forgot my Ipizzle at home that day). His entire personality was explained to me in the wise words of Beyonce Knowles..... "All my single ladies.....all my single ladies.....put your hands up!" I instantly thought of that otherwise masculine man in a leotard and high heels (reference SNL skit). I quietly laughed to myself. Silly man. You need to listen to better music.

2) Do not, I repeat, do not try to share your headphones while standing in a crowded subway. You are already in my way. Now that you are trying to stand while fitting the short wire between you and your ugly short girlfriend you realize how hard it is. If she was cool she would have her own Ipizzle.

3) Use your playlists. Although it is perfectly acceptable to be browsing while stationary on the subway, it is unacceptable to browse while walking on the sidewalk. I figure out what I'm going to listen to on my walk to my building PRIOR to the sidewalk. You should do the same.

4) Don't sing aloud. This is a bad side effect of listening too loud (see #1). Seriously though, you know that you're operating at an audible volume. I don't like you and I don't like your singing voice. Go play the American Idol game on wii.