Subway Etiquette

Stating the obvious: NYC is a small island. And the most populated city in the United States. Not only with people that reside ON the island, but with people that are shipped in 5 days a week from 9-5. With people that seek out the island for food, culture, art and music. With people that are looking for their first job, a second chance, or a third marriage. People come in on subways, trains, boats, cars, bikes, and on their feet. The draw to the city is strong, which means: it's. freakin. crowded.

Although it breaks my liberal heart to say this, praise Guiliani. Not the post 9-11, I'm running for President as a fiscally conservative, social liberal, pro-war, anti-Muslim Republican. But the "Tipping Point" Guiliani that had enough balls to say ENOUGH to turnstile jumpers and simple vandalism. Thanks to his efforts (or at least the efforts of his well-staffed office), this overcrowded city is surprisingly clean, well-ordered and safe. Unfortunately, what Guiliani could not control were the dumb, blind and ignorant. Those people who are too dumb to realize what side of the subway stairs to walk on. Those people that are too blind to see that window shopping at Macy's is a street hazard. Those people that are too ignorant to realize pole hugging is not only a huge inconvenience to...well...everyone, but is also pretty damn gross. Nope, Guiliani could not control the odd, annoying habits of everyday strangers.

A majority of one's day in NYC is spend around, next to, and sometimes even on, strangers. In the subway, on the street, in line at stores...someone is always breathing down your neck. Thankfully, mel and i do not have social anxiety, we are not germ freaks who carry around large amounts of Purel and we do not wish (serious) harm on our fellow neighbor. But, we do loathe 98% of these dumb, blind and ignorant strangers that we are forced to inadvertently interact with on a daily basis and believe there are simple rules everyone should follow to make life a little bit easier.

So we will attempt to establish these rules through prose, hoping to make society a little more manageable. GREAT idea, right?! Only if you're about 2 redbull vodka's deep, otherwise it's a hopeless mission. Instead we will just vent our frustrations in an attempt to purge our minds of negative thoughts that run rampant throughout the day -- such as kicking Paris Hilton type dogs, or tripping couples that believe PDA is a sign of affection. And maybe, just maybe, teach some dumb, blind or ignorant strangers a thing or two about subway and street etiquette. God willing.

Here are some oldy-but-goody rants to kick off the blog:

You know what I hate...?

1. People that stand against subway doors. No, strike that. I'm all for the door lean, but the privilege to stand at the door should never be bestowed on those that just purged a paycheck at Century 21. If the door opens and closes more than once, move your crap to the middle of the car and hold onto a pole...you're making me late.

2. Ladies that wobble down the stairs as a train is loading while screaming 'Hold the train! Hold the train!" as if they're someone special. Who are they yelling to? The conductor?

3. Men under 50 that rush onto the subway as if there is a fire at the station and swindle a seat before pregnant women and children. Have some decency.

4. When a lot of people are waiting on the platform and the train that finally rolls up still has quite a bit of standing room. The woman that walks onto the train first (right in front of you), steps in and DOESN'T WALK ANY FURTHER. She stands at the door with her back to you holding onto the poll. YOU, and everyone else getting on, are forced to walk around HER cause she wants to stand right in the doorway. Seriously?! Just move in fat ass.

5. As you hear the train bell (indicating the doors are closing), someone runs through the turnstile, sticks his hand in the door to trigger the door release, and jumps through just in time. Though I'm not SO annoyed yet, my temperature rises as that same douchebag stands between the doors and yells "yo TONY HURRY UP! I'm holdin da DOOR for ya!" while their fat ass friend waddles down the stairs, not even through the gates yet.

6. Women who wear HIGH heels and walk in front of me on purpose. Someone, somewhere created commuter shoes for the following two reasons only: 1) to prevent blisters and promote overall foot comfort for the walking commuter; 2) so that the average lady can be agile enough to get out of my way when I'm late for work.

7. Subway passengers who choose NOT to hold a handle or poll even when there is plenty of room. They undoubtedly bobble back and forth stepping uncontrollably in every direction. There is a reason why subway engineers created so many handles. Just use them. God help them when they step on my toe.