Market This

I can only imagine the difficult position that DVR has created for marketing and advertising exec’s who can no longer indirectly market to the masses through television. However, I never, ever thought the advent of DVR would affect my every day commute. Hey, big whigs, HINT: outdoor marketing doesn’t work! So get off the street, out of my face and back onto my TV where I can more easily ignore your hard work with my remote.

First of all, why have I never, ever seen a good print ad on the side of a phone booth? The pictures are always faded, the writing is cut off and the ad’s general theme is vague and cheesy. Since phone booths are so archaic, advertising companies must assign “phone booth copy” to their degenerate employees. But I pass more phone booths in 5 blocks than I do Starbucks. I promise that if you give me something pretty to look at I’ll conveniently forget your gangbanging me with capitalism.

Stop dressing people in demoralizing signs that advertise “DISCOUNTED MEN’S SUITS” for stores located in abandoned buildings on the corner of 12th Ave and “you’re gonna get mugged” street. Is that sign supposed to make me want to visit your establishment? Who conducted the market research and concluded “human signage” was an effective marketing tool? I’d like to meet that genius so I can punch him in the face.

Speaking of faces, don’t shove cards in mine. I don’t care about you or the nightclub, comedy club, bar or restaurant you’re trying to promote. I have such disdain for you because so many trees died to make those stupid hand-outs which inevitably get trashed by…everyone. And definitely don’t shove anything in my face when I’m holding my phone and a coffee and have no free hands for your stupid card anyways. What am I suppose to do, hold it with my teeth?

I love creative subway ads that span over a few panels. I hate subway ads for law firms that promise large settlement awards and habla espanol. Not because the ad indirectly degrades latinos, but because the ad directly degrades the legal profession. As a member of said profession, I apologize for your eye sore.

One form of marketing I avoid are menu pile-ups. Pile-ups start at certain times of the day, say, 11:30AM and 3:30PM, when the restaurant business slows and the owners send their deliverymen on meaningless chores (instead of giving them a well-deserved break from serving the rest of Manhattan, who is becoming increasingly lazy). These boys drudgingly get on their bikes, armed with oversized menus to shove under the doors of unwilling recipients. God help residents of doorman buildings. These people return home from a long day of getting overexposed to capitalism, mugged while suit shopping, guilt-ed of tree murder and sore from looking at ads, and now have to sift through 7 Mexican menus just to order one goddamn burrito. This is the one (and only) benefit of living in a walk-up. Unless some stoner accidentally buzzes one of the delivery boys in, my apt stays menu free. Which is great because if you have to push menus to market your restaurant, your burrito probably sucks anyways.